Confessions of a Monotheist Part 3- Branches

Within the last few years I've experienced an awakening to my spirituality. I felt as if my soul has opened its eyes and ears for the first time. I do not pretend to walk closely with God or to have achieved an elevated level of spirituality. I am just becoming aware of it as if I have just awakened from a deep sleep. I do not mean to offend those that may stumble upon this but to tell my tale to those that are willing to listen to my spiritual journey thus far. This is my story.

---

Summer 2008
I can not express my appreciation and love for Christianity which will always have a place in my life, thoughts, and is an integral part of my personality. I could never completely "deny" the spirit of Christianity nor more than I can deny the Sun rising (read C.S. Lewis' original quote). The main difference is that I call this spirit Love, the foundation stone of my spirituality. What I had problems with was the history, texts, and some closed-minded teachings of the Church that DID NOT drive me away from Chrisitianity but pointed me into a "dangerous" and liberating new direction. I'll talk about the "dangerous" parts later on but I just wanted to stress that the skeletons in Christianity's closet, and even questions about this closet, is what led to my personal awakening.

When I pick up a book I try very hard to make sure that it is as unbiased as possible, but this is very difficult especially in Religion. So I read into their argument and if it makes sense with the backing of credible sources I purchase it. Of course I don't have the time to do this with every book and within the first few chapters it becomes evident if the book is bias or is written mainly to attack a certain view. If we have plausible historical, archeological, and scientific evidence that disproves a widely held belief I have two choices: either throw out whatever "evidence" these so called historians are using in their arguments or listen to what they have to say. I allow myself to listen because unless I have a degree in paleography or in Arabic, Syric, Hebrew, or Greek I can not prove that there was not any interpolation in any of the surviving 5300+ Greek manuscripts we have of the New Testament. So unless I spend decades in study all I have is a biblical scholar's word that he/she is not lying to us.

Or...
I can ignore everything I've read (and choose never to read anything like it again) and believe that God intended for the Bible to end up how it is regardless of its historicity. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to that one day in Dr. Harper's religion class and stop myself from asking that first question but then I would be curious as to why my future self appeared in the first place. I will not go into the dreadfully painful details but my wife did find out about my questioning. I struggled daily trying to force myself into a state of doublethink so that I could continue living peacefully with my family, but I could not fool her or myself. I created this paradox within my very soul and it literally felt like it was ripping me in two. If I left Christianity for ANY other religion what would my family and friends think? How would I be treated by strangers especially while living in the buckle of the Bible Belt? Even worse what if I'm wrong? Not only would I be tormented in this life I might be tormented in the next! I opened up Pandora's box and I fought with every atom, every ounce of my being to force it shut. I felt I was having a religious identity crisis and going onto the point of a mental breakdown.

My wife and I agreed to speak with our pastor about the matter and even he was speechless. We asked him for advice on maintaining an interfaith marriage. He never gave anyone advice in this situation before and outside of attempting to convert me and lending us DVDs on how to improve our marriage I felt little progress was made. The poor pastor knew next to nothing about Islam but that's understandable; why would a pastor concern himself with an ungodly, probably Satanic, faith? He then began to tell me how dangerous this questioning was to me and my kids. He was extremely worried about my children's salvation even though they're still in diapers. I have nothing against raising my children Christian. What I refuse to teach them is intolerance towards others based on their beliefs. This is difficult within Christianity which does not allow room for tolerance. To them I am going to Hell and might be a danger to the salvation of my children because I do not share their beliefs.

I was going over what was said in the meeting a few days later when a small light began to flicker. If I questioned one faith what's to stop me from questioning another? This torment would never end while I spent a lifetime searching for a suitable religion. Then I knew that I was seeking God in the wrong manner and in the wrong places. It is impossible for any one religion to have a monopoly on God. I can look into any religion and find dozens of closets filled to the brim with skeletons, but that doesn't matter. What matters is the growth of my spirituality and not the language (religion) in which that spirituality is expressed.

The clouds have begun to recede and I still do not know how to express my spirituality. I have not chosen Islam as my spiritual language but I feel more comfortable with it than Christianity. Does that make me inherently evil? Some would say yes indeed. If I choose to follow a desert-dwelling pedophile bandit that made up his own religion for personal gain then I am going to join him in the hellfire. Of course those that believe that know next to nothing about Muhammad, Islam, and 7th century Arabia. I don't want to limit myself to one religion but I feel uneasy without an affiliation with a religious community. I have learned to take it one step at a time even if it means taking a step back. If I learn something new that helps me in my journey I implement it as long as it abides in a spirit of love.

Confessions of a Monotheist Part 2- Roots

Within the last few years I've experienced an awakening to my spirituality. I felt as if my soul has opened its eyes and ears for the first time. I do not pretend to walk closely with God or to have achieved an elevated level of spirituality. I am just becoming aware of it as if I have just awakened from a deep sleep. I do not mean to offend those that may stumble upon this but to tell my tale to those that are willing to listen to my spiritual journey thus far. This is my story.

---

Spring 2006
I had left everything and everyone and moved to Murfreesboro to finish my degree at MTSU. After four years of living at a boarding school you get over homesickness quickly. I lived in a cozy apartment across the street from campus where I spent my days studying for class while working at the local Wal-mart at night. I wasn't much of a social butterfly either but I did have one person that I talked with daily, Samantha. She jokes that we were meant for each other and I believe her. We later realized that if we married we would carry the same exact initials and if not for our middle names our full names would be exactly the same. We met innocently at work one day in 2004 when we both realized we shared the same first name. "You're Sam, I'm Sam too," we grinned. At that moment it never crossed my mind that we were about to embark on a lifelong journey together.

It was almost heartbreaking to leave her behind to finish school at MTSU after almost a year of dating. But I knew he needed me, they needed me, to finish growing up and get a decent education. I did not know them yet but I decided soon after high school that if were to one day raise a family I needed to find and complete myself. While living alone I taught myself how to cook, clean, slowly becoming organized and responsible. The phone rang while I was cooking supper. Samantha sounded worried, scared, and after we talked for awhile she said she'd call back in a minute. She didn't have to tell me because somehow I already knew she was calling her mother to tell her she was pregnant. She didn't know what I would say and I guess I surprised her when I said that it was great news and that everything would be OK. He was finally here.

The seed that I'd been slowly watering was taking root. I couldn't focus on my studies and all I could think about was him. For months I was obsessed with the idea of future generations hundreds of years from now descended from my children. I kept daydreaming of how my descendants would look like? Would they even know my name? Great, great, great, great grandfather Sam! What I wouldn't give to know them, to see what they see, to live in their time for a day! I even spawned an idea that would tie us across time. In my last semester at GCA I was obsessed with symbols and tattoos. I finally designed one of my own and after months of research realized that it truly is unique. I would stare at it for what seemed like hours at a time. I made a poster, bookmarks, t-shirt, flag, and anything else I could find to display my symbol. When I had the symbol tattooed onto my back I decided then that I would start a tradition where my children and their children would one day have this symbol tattooed somewhere onto their body. Of course I could not force them but I envisioned a family reunion photo with all the family members showing off our family mark.

Around the same time we found out about our son my spiritual seed was germinating. I had decided that if I'm going to be a father someday then I need to get my spirituality back on track. Since I wasn't sure which religion to follow (if any) I decided to start with what I know, Monotheism. I read through books comparing the three monotheistic faiths (Islam, Christianity, and Judaism) and I soon realized that I knew next to nothing about any other religions. It became a hobby, an obsession, and a quest. I even obtained a copy of the Qu'ran and was amazed that another religion held Jesus in such high regard even though Muslims only consider him a prophet. Until then I never knew how much Christians and Muslims actually fought. In fact all I knew about Muslims at the time was that they prayed a lot and they have a prophet named Muhammad. My ignorance about other religions blossomed into lack of intolerance which benefited me greatly. It enabled me to increase my love towards my neighbor regardless of their beliefs. This acted as oxygen and light towards my spiritual seed which allowed it to take root and grow. And then my son, Isaac, was born. I knew then that every action I take must be to his benefit. I will become his guardian, mentor, friend, and most importantly, father.

Everything was good for a time never realizing what was slowly enveloping my seedling. I had become enamored with Islam drawn to its message and concepts of God. My religious study continued relentlessly in pursuit of a suitable religion never noticing the warning signs, the darkening clouds that were casting a terrible shadow over my soul. Soon I would be caught in a personal hell, imprisoned behind bars fashioned by my blind pursuit. If I wanted to keep my new family intact I would first have to suffer, die, and arise from the ashes as a new creature.

Confessions of a Monotheist Part 1-The Seed

Within the last few years I've experienced an awakening to my spirituality. I felt as if my soul has opened its eyes and ears for the first time. I do not pretend to walk closely with God or to have achieved an elevated level of spirituality. I am just becoming aware of it as if I have just awakened from a deep sleep. I do not mean to offend those that may stumble upon this but to tell my tale to those that are willing to listen to my spiritual journey thus far. This is my story.

---

Winter 2000
I remember sitting in Dr. Harper's religion class early one morning in my junior year at Georgia-Cumberland Academy. I was 16 at the time and I believe it was the winter of 2000 when it happened. The details of that day were hazy but that first question has been burned, carved into my mind.

"If the Catholics came before the Protestants and the Orthodox Church came before the Catholics then wouldn't the Orthodox Church hold the purest teachings of Christ and the early church?" To me it seemed logical that the earliest church would have the purest teachings. I don't remember how Dr. Harper responded but I'm sure he mentioned something about the Reformation and the rise of Protestantism (I was bored out of my mind). We were learning about church history in religion class and since that moment when that question escaped from my lips I never stopped questioning. For the next few weeks I could not get that question out of my head. Where did it come from? Why is it even important? I knew about Catholics, Baptist, and other denominations but I never questioned my faith. Never. I knew I had it right but I never considered that if I had it right billions of others have to wrong. The Greek Orthodox and the Catholic Church had it right at one time, right? What if a new movement replaced Protestantism would my soul be eternally hell bound while every single protestant would be labeled as heretics only remembered and studied by historians hundreds maybe thousands of years from now? This was the seed that started me on my religious journey independent from my parents and my church. It was just a seed and as a seed it sat there for years but the questions never stopped coming. That first one was a freebie but I soon learned to keep them to myself.

GCA is a 7th-Day Adventist private co-educational boarding school in Calhoun, Georgia which opened in 1962. I will not go into vast details about my experience at GCA but from the mind of a 16 year old it seemed pretty oppressive, but I guess most teenagers that go to a private high school think likewise. Almost all of the rules and regulations made perfect sense, and even though I spoke out against a few I knew deep down that they were right. It was only after the seed was planted that I first became aware of intolerance and religiously narrow minded Christians. Any subtle break from religious conformity earned you a frown or a stern talk at first but if continued past a breaking point would earn you a one way ticket to expulsion. This sounds like a harsh punishment for not "following the flock" but it wasn't like I was purposely rebelling. I actually had legitimate questions about my faith that I couldn't even mention without fear of punishment.

Now this is a private school so I understand they uphold certain values and beliefs they want to instill into a student's education. We couldn't eat, or own, any sort of meat on campus. We couldn't play any competitive sports on the Sabbath. We were required to attend most religious meetings (except for late night programs and weekly prayer groups). The breaking of these unofficial religious rules could earn you demerits and when enough were accumulated punishment was enforced. 9 times out of 10 this took the form of janitor duty, copying sentences out of the school handbook, or some other time-consuming activity. It sounds trivial but to a teenager it was a prison camp. The point I'm trying to make is that there was (and probably still is) no room for religious questioning and absolutely no bending of the rules.

What hit me the hardest was the school's reaction to drug-use and homosexuality. Expulsion. Period. Go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. They had a chance to help and mend instead of maim and wound. The kids that smoked weed (and as far as I know weed was the only drug on or around campus when I attended) were not counseled nor forgiven. There was one group that was given a slap on the wrist but the next group wasn't as lucky. Racism reared its ugly head when the second group, all black kids, were all immediately expelled while the first group, mostly white kids, were merely suspended and were given random drug testing for the remainder of the school year. The second group was eventually forgiven and allowed back but the racial tension never disappeared. The school made it clear that it wasn't about race but was merely enforcing their zero tolerance rule.

There were a few homosexuals on campus and thankfully not a single soul ratted them out. They would have been immediately expelled and the school would have come up with a suitable explanation to avoid being viewed as intolerant.I never witnessed an expulsion for homosexuality but everyone knew it would happen. Four or five people in my graduating class came "out of the closet" after graduation. One of them was a very close friend of mine that I still hold dear to me even though we haven't talked much in years. I was shocked by the news but I never once thought less of him. And if he's reading this now then I just want to say that I will always consider you my friend.

How can a school which professes to be Christian act so contradictory to the Christian Spirit? As a school they have a prime opportunity to teach their students love, compassion, and justice not ignorance, bigotry, and inequality. Instead of a message of acceptance and forgiveness they chose to weed out (no pun intended) the undesirables, the unclean. I didn't blame Christianity. I didn't even blame the Christians. I didn't know who to blame or even if I had to blame someone. Honestly I was too busy skirt chasing to even care but deep down I did. I hated myself for not saying something but I was just a kid. How dare a 16 year old attempt to teach morality to the school faculty? So I rebelled peacefully (and at times publicly to impress my friends).

I took this seed and buried it deep within myself. Every now and then I watered it with new questions. But I never tried to answer them I just continued asking myself more questions. I knew that I was preparing myself for something greater but I did not what it was until the day my son was born.