Why I Can't Believe in Your God: Part 5- Final Thoughts

Believe me, I have nothing against the traditional theistic view of God. It just doesn't work for me anymore. It doesn't speak to me on an rational, emotional, and spiritual level. I've tried believing and I've tried wei wu wei (effortless doing), believing without trying to believe. Nothing. So what then? Am I forever doomed because I can't seem to connect with the god of the Bible, the Torah, or even the Qur'an? None of it resonates with me, but what does resonate with me is the spirituality of brokenness, of simply being human. I'm not talking about nature worship nor do I believe in supernatural healing energies, that all comes across as mumbo jumbo to me. What resonates with me is reality itself, not a hereafter devoid of pain and suffering but the here and now. I draw connectedness and meaning from my spirituality as an evangelical would from their religious beliefs. There's no need to feel disappointed for me because I don't "get it". The It I seek is behind and beyond the it we've created.
 
The reason why I can't believe in your god, in an orthodox set of religious beliefs, because it keeps me from experiencing the big picture. Religion that asks it's practitioners to be a better [insert believer here] will only move towards being what their religion asks of them. I've realized that any singular religion is but a limited expression, a singular experience, of the whole. It is part of the whole but not the whole Itself. But rejecting my submission to a singular religious identity doesn't mean that I reject the "values" within the religious systems. These same values exist across all, and outside of, religion because they are HUMAN values. So when I say I value honesty, mercy, compassion, humility, love, etc. these are not exclusive to any one faith (i.e. Christianity). THIS is what blew me off my Christian high horse when I started reading the Qur'an. Each of the faiths spiral towards their holy center without realizing that the center is the same as the edge! This is not to say that all religions are right or even worship the same god. I used to say this until I realized this only trivialized their unique experiences of Reality. What I mean to say is that regardless how strange our beliefs may seem to one another we still share in the Human experience. At any point, scratch that, at EVERY point in the spiral we are still human. I believe that any beliefs/ideas which strips us of our humanity and our basic human rights should be left in the past to rot with our ancestors.

Spirituality, however, spirals outward from the center (Ourselves) towards everything and everyone else with a sense of openness and connection to all life. Our sense of connection starts with our sense of self. Who are we? What makes up our identity and where are the borders? What do we believe? Why do we believe "X"? The difference between spirituality and religion I believe is the guts to question the world and narratives around us. Religion has an established narrative, a set lens through which you see and interact with the world. There's nothing wrong with narrative, if your religion is truly making you a better X then full steam ahead. I can't contain myself to just one narrative because I resonate with so many of them. But the reason is because I resonate with the human experience that the narrative represents, not the narrative itself.

Why I Can't Believe in Your God: Part 4- Individualized Expression, Individualized Experience

I started this series mainly because I found myself so fluid in my beliefs I couldn't even explain them to a stranger. I needed to express what I view as true as I currently see it (ehh, that still seems too fluid). I also pondered the phrasing of the series's title. Why Can't instead of Don't or Won't? Don't and Won't comes across as if I'm actively trying not to believe whereas Can't expresses more of an inability. This will make a bit more sense after I explain a verse at the core of my spirituality.

 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
   And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
   and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8 NIV

I am but a single expression of life, deserving of no higher praise than the worker ant or a blade of grass. All life will succumb to death, and through our death new life is possible. We are beyond blessed to simply have a chance to experience reality and all that is asked of us is to do justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with our own experience of reality. As individual expressions of reality we think, speak, dream, and love differently, but it is in that uniqueness where our equality is tenderly held. Even though some of us may think we deserve a bigger slice of life over everyone else in the end our bodies will share the same dirt. What does any of this have to do with my inability to believe in a theistic god? Quite simply we are individualized expressions of life with individualized experiences. The universe will never again spring up another you, ever. Each of us is a unique cosmic event that will only occur once and then fade back into the circle of life, like wave into ocean.

As an individual expression I experience everything from my own perspective. Even if I tried to comprehend your individual experience it will be filtered through my own. I must learn to walk humbly with my own experience and perception of Reality before I can even begin to comprehend yours. I must walk humbly with MY perception of _____, whatever THAT may be. This is why I've had trouble pinning down my beliefs, because I don't know what THAT is, I can only experience it and I'm not quite done experiencing ____ just yet. This is why I CAN'T believe in your God, because your God can only truly be perceived and experienced by you. I'm willing to listen to you and your experience because you are a cosmic event which will never arise again. How can I not be enthralled!

Why I Can't Believe in Your God: Part 3- The Human Variable

Although I write on this site for self-reflection and meditation this series is intended for an audience it will unfortunately never reach. Mainly because this is an obscure blog in a sea of thousands and when it comes to blogs most people only read what they're comfortable reading. Most bloggers (including myself) stay within their online communities and rarely venture into a camp with an opposing viewpoint. And when they do the "Others" at times considers the outsider's comments a threat to the community. Even in the digital realm we default to petty tribalism. But of course I could be completely wrong, and getting off track.

The biggest factor in my leaving the theistic view of God behind is also the one aspect I cherish most of all in religion: the human variable. Granted, our humanness has caused us to be the most mindlessly destructive creatures on the planet but it is also the source of some of the most mind-blowing, awe inspiring, breath taking man-made works (of course as the only known sentient beings we're the only ones who can appreciate it). But it is that same humanness which I find makes scripture even more compelling than the previous image of Father Sky God as the sole author and authority of All. Reading scripture as if it had been handed down unblemished from heaven is cute but it removes the human voice present throughout scripture. You don't have to be a historian to realize that the Bible was written, edited, and transmitted by people, you just have to read the Bible itself. Covering the authors of the Bible in a cloak of infallibility rips away that humanness I connect with when I read the Bible. The same goes when we gloss over and reinterpret those less desirable verses which depict our humanity in horrid detail. Reinterpreting the Bible won't change the fact that certain beliefs and practices were acceptable at one point in our history. We just have to realize why they're no longer relevant to a 21st century society. A tribal god and its tribal law may have been necessary to maintaining the cohesion of a tribe but as citizens of the 21st century those gods and their laws are no longer necessary, we've outgrown them. Do we really need to avoid wearing clothing made from two different types of material or only marry within our tribe? Christians would say that Jesus' sacrifice made the old laws irrelevant. Sure why not, but how is the story of the sacrifice of a man-god relevant to us now in the 21st century? Preachers may try to repackage and sell the story's uniqueness but the fact is that the gospel story is just another story. (In fact, it's one that has been told for centuries before Jesus.)

What I find myself drawn to is what the story/scripture says of our nature, our humanity. We are broken, hateful, evil, greedy, lustful, terrible terrible creatures with daddy issues. But, it's in that shared brokenness that we are capable of tremendous love and beauty. Some of us aren't comfortable with our humanity, so we seek out to create perfection. Instead of dealing with our brokenness and learning to love ourselves as more than a collection of minor imperfections we create something greater, higher, more perfect than ourselves. I'm not saying theists are delusional, it's hard being human. We're all doing our best to cope with reality, and for me the theistic God just doesn't work anymore. Yet I hold onto the stories because they are by us, about us, for us, which makes them a part of us.

Why I Can't Believe in Your God: Part 2- Thou Shalt Not Question

To make a long story short, I can't accept the image of God portrayed in the Bible. Not because I know too much or I lack the faith, it's just that the theistic image portrayed in the Bible is no longer relatable in the 21st century. Some monotheistic believers would state that the divine transcends any notion of intellectual inquiry and examination while pointing out the physical "evidence" supporting their leap of faith. We are creatures of thought and curiosity. We are born curious and denying ourselves, and especially others, the ability to question only serves to chip away at our humanity.

Born and raised in the Bible Belt, I was taught to believe that the Bible is 100% completely infallible and inerrant, and to question the word of God (i.e. the Bible, its history and the various orthodox interpretations) is often equated to a full frontal assault on God. There is absolutely no room for exploration and interpretation thus creating a stagnant, static climate in the journey to experiencing the divine within Christianity. What is commonly forgotten (and ignored) in conservative Christian circles is that the same creative and spiritual interpretations and readings done by non-inerrantists is similar to the creative and spiritual interpretations done by apologetics, pastors, and Sunday school teachers. Unless you're reading all of scripture 100% literally, you've entered the realm of metaphor and interpretation. And if scripture passes through a human filter for interpretation in 21st century sermons and lessons how can we not consider the human factor when scripture was first penned? For Christians to question the validity, authority, and personal experiences of all other religions except their own reveals a deep desire in controlling their identity and reality as Christians. Except it's difficult to connect with another human being, let alone evangelize to them, when they stay in their comfy bubbles of security.

My issue (today) is not with Christianity but the stagnant theology within Christianity which suffocates the limitless creative Word at the focal point of the faith. (Although I should point out that there are A LOT of social issues within Christianity that must be dealt with by the Church if it wants to continue preaching the message of universal love.) I grew up a Christian (SDA) but during my teen years I noticed there was a much larger world, a larger story, beyond what I've been fed which caused me to branch out beyond the confines of the faith. Many believers would say that my peering out of the Christianity box was Satan leading me astray from God. On the contrary, I find myself deeper in thought about the divine than I ever did in my youth, and the only "straying" I've done is from a particular set of theologies in a vast sea of beliefs. It is the God structured from these beliefs that I can no longer swallow, not because I'm overwhelmingly sinful, but overwhelmingly curious. How can I be damned for all eternity by the same God who imbued us with curiosity, awe, and wonder for the universe? How can the same God create countless diverse lifeforms and then ask us not to study and question their origin and downfall? How can the same God encourage us to know Him through the Word and then place restrictions on what we may or may not query? No scripture is entirely inerrant, or even divine, because all scripture must be read and interpreted by man.

I ask so many questions that I now consider it a spiritual practice. Flip through my archives and all you'll find is post after post filled with questions. Why? I believe how we wrestle and live with a question is much more fulfilling than cranking out an easy answer. Anyone can crank out an answer and sell it to the crowd, religions have been doing that for thousands of years. We are creatures of exploration and I can't imagine the human race ever running out of questions to ask or corners of the unknown to explore.

Why I Can't Believe in Your God: Part 1-My "Bitterness" Towards God

I often get to a point in my conversations with mainline Christians when they begin to see that I'm just a normal person. When they get to this point they become perplexed trying to balance the "paradox" of how someone can live happily (and morally) without following their view of God. Instead of accepting the possibility that other views may be equal to theirs they try to find some fault with the non-believer. I've often heard that my unbelief in the Christian salvation narrative stems from a past cosmic injustice causing me to be angry and bitter towards God.

I'm sure there are people bitter towards God but I am not one of them. I have a roof over my head, two wonderful children, a loving wife, my health, and I have plenty of food in my fridge (in fact, too much). Outside of being unemployed I have no bitterness towards the universe. My childhood wasn't the greatest but I had a home and two parents who loved me. I have no reason to be bitter and if I had a reason I don't believe that a truly compassionate God would punish me for unfaithfulness or lashing out against It in anger. The rain falls on the just and the unjust, as anyone from the Southern Baptist Convention President, Johnny Hunt, to notable Atheist, Christopher Hitchens, can be diagnosed with cancer. The universe is indifferent, we shouldn't be.

I humble myself not before a Grand Designer with a Grand Plan but before the reality that surrounds us, dwells in us, and that which we take part in as living things: the cycle of life itself. I am not bitter towards the fact that I will cease to exist because I did not exist before I was born. Yet knowing that I am going to die does not drive me into a hedonistic rampage or extreme bouts of depression. I welcome the day along with the night, the pleasure with the pain, and the laughter with the sorrow. If anyone has a legitimate reason to be bitter it should be the unborn for not having the chance to experience the ups and downs of life. Most Christians who claim I'm bitter only do so because they believe I must have experienced something terrible resulting in my anger towards God which hardened into unbelief. But I could only be bitter against God if I 1) believed in the theistic view of God and 2) believed God is in control of everything. To say that God is in total control of EVERYTHING means God is the source and author of both the Good and Bad. The fact is that I arrived at my conclusions and beliefs (two separate things) over a long, long journey of thought, reflection, and meditation. I have not arrived "here" because I'm against something, I arrived here by realizing my connection to Reality, my place in and relation with the universe. Being bitter is pointless and self-centered, it's not all about me, nor is it all about Mankind. We are not the center of the universe, we are simply participants and observers of the cosmos. How can I be bitter towards anything when I have the chance to observe AND participate in life itself?