Conversations with Ourselves: Making Peace with Chaos

One of the most frightening things about my journey into the realm of endless questions is the chaos. For Christians, or any believer,  their faith grounds them to a tangible answer, it can give hope during chaos. But even then some of those religious answers don't make any sense especially when bad things happen to good people. How then do we deal with chaos?

A believer would hold on tighter to their foundation, to their god, and hope and pray for the best. If things go their way they thank god for watching over them and move on, if not then the most likely acceptable answer is that god had different plans for them. This mentality exempts you from really dealing with the chaos of life. As long as god is in control you don't have to face the chaos of life, you don't have any real reason to empathize with the suffering of others because god is in control of their lives. Whatever happens is suppose to happen for a greater plan (which begs the question why even pray during hard times when your suffering might be a part of The Plan?). This was one of the breaking points which caused me to drift away from Christianity. I absolutely can not accept that human suffering is "good" and necessary in fulfilling a divine plan. Any suffering is just that, suffering. But instead of wishing it away or hoping that an invisible, silent god (who apparently thought it OK for you to suffer) would take the pain away, we should be seeking out a more human approach. We should support each other even if we're powerless to help, sitting silently with those in pain does more good than a powerful, silent god.

The best visual example of the struggle with chaos is in the 2009 dark comedy film by the Coen brothers, A Serious Man, a film about a physics professor, Larry Gopnik, whose life begins to crumble around him even though he's been a good man, a serious man.



It was a difficult transition moving from a reliance on a silent god towards making peace with chaos. There were many low points in my life where I truly wanted to wish/pray things away. But that wouldn't have solved the problem nor helped me to deal with my emotions.  I feel this transition has strengthened my empathy towards my global neighbor as well. And as we strengthen our relationships with our global neighbor the easier it gets to face the unknown. Where once I simply blamed the troubles of a stranger on their lack of faith I now realize that the rain does indeed fall on the just and unjust. So why not reach out and share an umbrella?


Part 1) Conversations with Ourselves: The Question
Part 2) Conversations with Ourselves: The Internal Struggle
Part 3) Conversations with Ourselves: The External Struggle
Part 4) Conversations with Ourselves:  Reflections on Who We Were
Part 5) Conversations with Ourselves: Making Peace with Chaos
Part 6) Conversations with Ourselves: Making Sense of It All

Conversations with Ourselves: Reflections on Who We Were

The idea of having a conversation with 2006 Sam is what inspired me to write this series. What would 2006 Sam think of 2012 Sam? Would '06 cringe at the thought that everything he believed in would be out the window 6 years later? Would '06 avoid taking this journey knowing he might end up like me? I thought about writing this one in an interview style format but I can't think like '06 Sam anymore and I would probably make him sound too cartoonish. I thought about seeking out someone who shares the beliefs I held in '06 but even then that would fall short because every spiritual journey is 100% completely unique. It can not be copied or duplicated. Oh there can be similarities but all spiritual journeys are unique.

[Summit by David Hayward (Naked Pastor). This is part of David's Sophia series. I highly recommend checking out David's work if you haven't already.]

Looking back, I don't have any regrets for how my journey has taken shape. There were many dark moments along the way but in the end I made it through. This journey is not about a destination or any kind of spiritual enlightenment. It is about learning how to be human, it is about embracing all the chaotic moments of life and cherishing my remaining years I have on this pale blue dot. '06 Sam was looking for something, his missing piece, and what I've found is that I've had it all along. I was chasing my own tail. As I migrated away from Christianity I found myself more accepting of those different from myself. My basic human morality (don't steal, hurt, lie, etc.) has remained the same. I've just widened the definition of who I call my brother. This doesn't mean that Christians are closed minded people, but for ME and MY journey I am more embracing of my global brothers and sisters. The journey I've taken can still be taken within religion, it doesn't necessarily have to lead you away from your original faith but what it will do is help you discover who you are and who you can be. It is a noble goal to be your best self, but you can't get there if you don't explore.

So if you are still sitting on your doorstep fearful of taking that first step my question is why are you sitting outside instead of safe and comfy inside? What's holding you back? Something drew you to step outside so why not explore a little?


Part 1) Conversations with Ourselves: The Question
Part 2) Conversations with Ourselves: The Internal Struggle
Part 3) Conversations with Ourselves: The External Struggle
Part 4) Conversations with Ourselves:  Reflections on Who We Were
Part 5) Conversations with Ourselves: Making Peace with Chaos
Part 6) Conversations with Ourselves: Making Sense of It All

Conversations with Ourselves- The External Struggle

So far we've covered the struggle with mustering up the courage to ask ourselves who we really are and the internal struggle it brings when we open up Pandora's box. It's one thing to internally wrestle with difficult questions but the external struggle with what others may think is different and can be just as challenging (even more so for some). Keeping the internal struggle in is near impossible, we want someone to talk to, someone to share in the journey.

We gravitate towards a community where we can be comfortable. A place where we can suffer and journey with one another instead of alone. We first try to reach out to our friends and family members because we trust them to accept us for who we are and to be understanding. This can be difficult if they firmly oppose what you may be struggling with (i.e. change in religious beliefs, change in political stance, or sharing something like sexual orientation) and the fear of rejection by your loved ones can be too much to bear.

How do you handle both the external and internal struggles? Some would say it's far easier to give up asking and go back to who you once were. Go back to what? We are constantly changing, evolving, so there's no way I could be the same person I was before I started questioning. In my situation I did not have anyone locally who shared my same evolving views. And that's when I turned to the internet and sought out a digital community of like-minded people. If it weren't for people like Don (Simple Thoughts from a Questions Man), Doug B (Groping the Elephant), Andrew Hackman (Hackman's Musings), and Ronnie (Dreaming with Captron52) I wouldn't have progressed as far as I have without their experiences and insights they shared (there are many more so don't feel bad if I left you off, I appreciate you as well). The internet grants us the ability to connect with others across the globe who share the same interest. My recent post on the spirituality of Facebook touches on this global connectedness. The web also grants us with a digital dose of courage allowing us to say things we wouldn't normally say to people face to face. Believe me, I've gotten quite a few suggestions that I should jump off a cliff or that they're praying for my lost soul and one interesting "I hope your children kill you for what you believe". I believe the interactions, comments, and squabbles on social networking sites like Facebook depends solely on the participants. If you're a jerk (or I should say "troll") then your external struggle is going to be much harder.

I know some of the things I say may offend, but why are you offended? Have you tried to examine why you may feel offended by my non-belief? If I say "I don't believe that Jesus is the son of God", or "the God of the Bible is too violent", why would it bother you (if you're Christian)? It's just a statement of what I believe (or not believe) and declaring a statement should not destroy your beliefs. I don't go out of my way either to pose these questions to those who may feel uncomfortable (I have certain Facebook friends filtered out from receiving certain "blasphemous" posts).  HOW and WHY we say things is important but more important is the quality of our relationship with our friends, family, and neighbors. I want to improve that relationship while also discovering who I am. Along the way I may ask disturbing questions and I don't ask them to be a jerk but to discover and explore. Dr. McGrath at Exploring Our Matrix sumed it up best: "let's be human first."

Part 1) Conversations with Ourselves: The Question
Part 2) Conversations with Ourselves: The Internal Struggle
Part 3) Conversations with Ourselves: The External Struggle
Part 4) Conversations with Ourselves:  Reflections on Who We Were
Part 5) Conversations with Ourselves: Making Peace with Chaos
Part 6) Conversations with Ourselves: Making Sense of It All

Conversations with Ourselves- The Internal Struggle

In part one of this self reflection series I had talked a bit about what I love about self reflection and the creative sacred space born from asking questions. (On a side note before I get too far I have a copy of The Sacredness of Questioning Everything by David Dark which I believe relates to what I'm talking about but I have not gotten a chance to reading it yet. Will dust it off as soon as I finish reading Cloud Atlas.) The courage to even ask any question which may challenge the faith of your parents is a HUGE step in it of itself. Asking questions doesn't mean you are betraying God, your faith, or even jeopardizing your place in the here after.  Questioning your beliefs merely means you want to explore your spirituality, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you're a part of a religious community then your spiritual leaders will most likely say that asking certain questions may lead you astray. The "believe what we tell you, ask only the appropriate questions" should fire off all sorts of alarms in your head. If it doesn't then you're not ready to ask, explore, discover your own spirituality if you allow others to decide your spiritual life.

[Litany Against Fear by Gavin Aung Than, you MUST click here and see the entire Litany Against Fear cartoon at Zen Pencils. Incredibly inspiring.]

I'm not advocating leaving your faith altogether but to recover the reins to your own spirituality. If you can make the decision to choose which house of worship to attend then why can't you decide the boundaries of your spirituality? Any relationship which requires certain unflinching, unquestioning loyalty is bound to cause pain. If you see God as the source of unconditional love, why then are there conditions to receive and experience that love? You must believe X or God will love you if... are conditions, plain and simple. Some will say that God loves everyone, but then continue with you must accept God into your heart or you must accept Jesus' sacrifice, etc, etc. But what happens when you begin to question the religious teachings that surround that unconditional love? What happens when certain events lead you to question your relationship with the divine all together? What happens when you just can't accept any of it?

How do you struggle with the questions which may unravel what you believe to be foundational to your human experience? It's difficult, I believe even more so than the external battle with friends and family members who may not agree with all this self discovery. For me it eventually turned into a spiritual practice. To sit and meditate on who we are and the enormous creative potential of who we can be is very spiritually rewarding. And that's the clincher, what's keeping you from discovering yourself? Is it fear of the unknown, fear of what others may think of you, fear of what you may discover, fear of becoming something/someone else, or fear of losing your beliefs? All of these hurdles include fear, but we must not be a slave to fear. Although I don't pray I do recite the following prayer before a test, interview, etc.:

The Litany Against Fear

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

This is recited by an order of women called the Bene Gesserit in Frank Herbert's science fiction Dune universe. It's a bit silly to recite a science fiction prayer to battle the fear of something like an exam. A string of words is not going to help me ace the test, so why recite it? To help remind myself that the prayer is just as silly, hollow, and weak as fear itself. The questions you are afraid to ask are just a string of words.  They are not incantations to a spell which will immediately turn you into a monster. They are just words. The questions are simply a mirror to discover yourself. How can we love our neighbor when we're afraid to know, let alone love, ourselves?

Part 1) Conversations with Ourselves: The Question
Part 2) Conversations with Ourselves: The Internal Struggle
Part 3) Conversations with Ourselves: The External Struggle
Part 4) Conversations with Ourselves:  Reflections on Who We Were
Part 5) Conversations with Ourselves: Making Peace with Chaos
Part 6) Conversations with Ourselves: Making Sense of It All